‘Tis the Season for Fiona Apple Roasting ‘Trump’s Nuts’
In the middle of assembling a holiday playlist for that office party or family gathering? Stop what you're doing and delete the whole damn thing. "Trump's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire," Fiona Apple's new interpretation of Bob Wells and Mel Tormé's beloved "The Christmas Song" (subsequently popularized by Nat King Cole) represents the alpha and omega of Christmas 2016 in terms of catchiness, timeliness and hilarity — unless you're a fan of President-elect Donald J. Trump, in which case you're probably going to want to stick with "White Christmas."
Apple's always-mesmerizing alto may sound as sweet and soft as freshly-fallen snow, but don't be fooled — the nativity scene that issues forth from her throat is enough to make even Santa blush. From her crass opening couplet ("Trump's nuts roasting on an open fire / as he keeps nipping at his foes") to her cavalcade of sneering epithets for our Prez-to-be ("letch," "creepy uncle"), and grim imagery of "black boys in hoodies locked up on his sleigh" and working-class suffering, our beloved dynamo keeps the caustic cheer coming, reminding us just how much the country stands to lose this holiday season and beyond. But hey — sometimes snarky cheer is the best medicine.
Listen to "Trump's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire" below, accompanied by the lyrics in case you want to do a little caroling.
Read our feature "Start Today: 50+ Artists on Where We Go After Donald Trump."
Fiona Apple's last album was 2012's acclaimed The Idler Wheel...
Trump’s nuts roasting on an open fire
as he keeps nipping at his foes.
you’ll cry creepy uncle
every time he arrives
for he keeps clawing at your clothes
everybody knows some money and entitlement
can help to make the season white
mothers of color with their kids out of sight
will find it hard to sleep at night.
They know that truuump is on his way.
he’s got black boys in hoodies locked up on his sleigh
and every working man is going to cry
when they learn that Letch don’t care how you live or if you die
Sooo I’m offering this simple phrase
to kids from 1 to 92
although it’s been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas to you
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
Donald Trump, fuck you
Here's Cole's famous version of the original "Christmas Song":