The road is not a pretty place. Tour Is Hell collects your favorite bands' war stories, some of which make Cormac McCarthy look like Dr. Seuss. Today, we talk tour with Patrick Alberts, guitarist of Boulder, Colo., sludge punks Call of the Void. Their new Converge / Pig Destroyer-influenced EP, AYKFM, is dropping December 16 on Translation Loss. We already brought you "Throwing Bullets" in early October, and today we're thrilled to bring you another exclusive premiere in the form of the raging "Never Enough."

What album can everyone agree on in the van? Which is the most divisive?
There is never a specific album in particular that we all agree on. We're always listening to whatever is a fresh release at the time and digesting it together. Somehow, though, anytime a Meshuggah album comes on, we're always at attention. You can't deny the groove of the band and the pavement in tandem.

What’s the strangest gig you’ve ever played?
The most awkward gigs are when there is nobody there and you have to act like you're enthused during your whole set. More recently, though, we played in Iowa City, and within the first five minutes of being at the venue, we had the police called on frat bros who were spitting on old people that were below their apartment. Followed by someone crawling into Inter Arma's van for a nap, and some others trying to exchange some fisticuffs with us after the show. During our set, Alex [Pace, bassist] and I were both hammered drunk, which never happens; we were strangely irresponsible.

Tell us about your biggest onstage clusterfuck.
The one that hits home the most for me was when we opened up for Eyehategod a year or so ago. Somehow, nobody had received a clear monitor mix, and I'm sure the first five songs were played at different speeds by every person in the band. On my part, the Xanax and alcohol mixture I had certainly didn't help at all. One of the most embarrassing moments of my musical career. NEVER AGAIN.

What’s the worst injury you guys have inflicted on one another?
Surprisingly, nothing other than emotional stress and nostril assault via fart. Steve [Vanica], our old singer, once stepped on Alex, though. See below.

Describe your craziest afterparty.
We played a sweet SXSW show with Big Freedia, Merchandise, Power Trip, Inter Arma, Iron Lung, Royal Thunder and a bunch of other Relapse bands. Gordon [Koch], our drummer, was kicked off the stage for windmilling beer during Big Freedia. We had a hell of a time hanging with bands and drinking. It resulted with everyone getting sick as shit for the next week. R.I.P., metal at SXSW.

How do you deal with going days or even weeks without a shower?
Dealing with days is easy. Get a wet wipe and cleanse your creases. Weeks are self-inflicted — don't do that. Get out of here with that shit. Change your underwear and use deodorant, ya dingus. Jerking off is a different story.

What’s the most frightening experience you’ve had while out on the road?
So far no close calls while touring. Never risk dying for a show ever. Keep a weapon in the van.

What’s your go-to restaurant or roadside welcome center?
Since we are from Colorado, we love going to Sheetz or Wawa. Or liquor stores, because two drink tickets just doesn't cut it.

What’s one of the weirder places you’ve stopped to eat?
We somehow got on the set for a live taping of Master Chef. We were going to eat the catering with the contestants later, but Gordon Ramsay had us kicked off the set and we lost our appetite.

Who drives the most, and why?
Gordon, our drummer, drives the most. He likes to drive. I don't.

What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?
There is too much time on the road not to take a nap or two. Overnight drives suck, but if you're smart about it, everyone survives.

call of the void ayfkm

How do you keep healthy on tour?
Comfortable sleep and water. Keep hydrated and get enough sleep. There is no reason to sleep on a hardwood floor. Buy a cot or a sleeping pad.

What do you do to pass the time en route from one town to the next?
For everyone, it seems to be porn. Porn or Hardcore History with Dan Carlin. My preference is for old Opie & Anthony broadcasts featuring Patrice O'Neal.

Any memorable, weird roadside attractions?
Zero, but seeing Amish people never gets old.

What does the band bicker about the most while on tour?
Nothing specific, really. We all get along very well. It usually comes down to something way too specific. Like, "Why is your fucking coffee cup still in the cup holder and not thrown away?"