WHEW! What a fun night! So many burgers! I love hot dogs! I don't know if I've ever shotgunned that many beers. Gotta love a THREE-DAY WEEKEND! Party's winding down, though. We've done all the drugs and drank every drop of booze in the house, and guess what? There are STILL 30 people just lingering. I need everyone to leave now ... why don't people just go? Is it time to get out the big guns? Might be. Here we go ... THANKS FOR COMING, GUYS! SEE YA NEXT TIME!

YOUR GUIDE TO GUIDING PEOPLE OUT THE DOOR
Celine Dion, "My Heart Will Go On"

The movie was enough to make me want to place my big toe on that shotgun trigger, but this song … THIS SONG. You know this was blasting on repeat during ritual torture at Guantanamo.

Aerosmith, "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing"
Aerosmith — once the most sexual band in the world, now reduced to literally the most neutered band of all time. And this movie … this movie is proof that man descended from ape.

Starship, "We Built This City"
Only Cam’ron could improve on this. And boy did he.

Leonard Nimoy, "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins"
We picked this because its annoying on like 12 levels. Plus, Leonard Nimoy singing about Hobbits? If you’re hearing this song, you are 100 percent not getting laid.

Sisqo, "Thong Song"
Humanity’s lowest point.

LMFAO, "Party Rock Anthem"
If Monster Energy was a pop group. If you were to hear a lot of these songs, would it give you a heart attack, too?

Robin Thicke, "Blurred Lines"
Oh, you’re still at my party? Here’s the perfect song to remind all the women that men are pigs.

Bloodhound Gang, "Fire Water Burn"
You forgot about this song, didn’t you? Thought you’d never hear it again, huh? If you had any manners, you wouldn’t have.

Prurient, "Military Road"
Now I'm just trying to piss you off.

Masonna, "Part V"
Still trying.

Genocide Organ, "I Don't Wanna Die"
Creeped out yet?

Trepaneringsritualen, "Black Egg"
You’re terrified now, aren’t you?

Con-Dom, “Crawl”
Oh, don’t worry, if noise was too tame for you, we’ve also got some terrifying vocal samples yelling, "Fuck your dead mother!"

Butthole Surfers, "Graveyard"
This song rips, but if it’s late enough (WHICH IT IS), you start to wonder whether the song or YOU are tripping.

Noam Chomsky, "Syrian Refugees in Europe"
Because who doesn’t want to hear a Noam Chomsky lecture at 4AM?

Howard Zinn, "Machiavelli and Teaching"
Why not a Howard Zinn one, too?

Rush, "The Spirit of Radio"
Reminder: This is a NO WOMEN ZONE, PLEASE VACATE IMMEDIATELY

Last Days of Humanity, “Born to Murder the World”
Well, if no one leaves, at least you have total license to start crowd-killing your guests.

Current 93, "She Took Us to the Place Where the Sun Sets"
Hell yeah, nothing like the shrill vocals of Current 93 to get everyone to fuck off back home!

Shu-De, "Durgen Chugaa (Tongue Twisters)"
Ah, glad I kept this CD of Mongolian throat singing in case things got too out of hand.

The Paper Chase, "Said the Spider to the Fly"
Leave it to John Congleton to bring out some strange, kind of terrifying music your college suitemate is sure to hate.

King 810, "Fat Around the Heart"
It’s your weird AIM stalker, but in band form!

Avril Lavigne, "Girlfriend"
The one-two punch that will have all your friends questioning whether they even want to speak to you again.

The U.S. Army Airborne and Infantry, "Song of the Airborne Ranger"
“Wow, not only is he like a weird nü-metal girl-pop freak, but he’s ALSO way obsessed with the military.”

Lynyrd Skynyrd, "Red White and Blue (Live)"
Seriously, there’s nothing people want to hear less on a day about America than songs about America.

Street Sects, "And I Grew Into Ribbons"
I swear, my stereo works, I just want you out of here.

A.G. Cook, "Superstar"
Nah, the drop’s never coming, you might as well go home.

Portal, "Kilter"
Nope, no swarm of hornets in my apartment, still waiting for you to leave.

The Pride of Oklahoma, "O.U. Chant"
Love college football! And the sound of you all leaving!

David Liebe Hart and Chip the Black Boy, “New Technology (Chopped and Screwed)”
This is not a Butthole Surfers song. This is a David Liebe Hart song that is somehow more irritating than the original. Someone pass the brown drugs... why is no one leaving :(